I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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