My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
