You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
