Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
