They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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