My liver just broke up with me...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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