The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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