You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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