The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
