I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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