i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
