A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
