You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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