he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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