Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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