no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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