I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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