also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
