i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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