At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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