you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
