Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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