just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
