doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
