Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
