dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
