my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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