I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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