i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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