That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
