Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
