Say something about gay babies.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's shark week go big or go home
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
