Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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