Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
foreskin is a definite game changer
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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