i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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