I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
