Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
