The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
