I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
