i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
