I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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