Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
