Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
