haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
