He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
