I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
