Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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