that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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