He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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