Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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